[Editor's note: This is not intentionally a poetry column - it just so happens that Lugh was exceedingly unfortunate during Charms class . . . and his friends are so busy laughing that they still haven't helped him discover the proper counter-charm. Hence the current rant column structure.]
'Tis nothing I would ever do
When I do say unto you
'tweren't but a flick of wand or three -
Now I'm a pirate on the sea.
Arr, that Charms class was a fright!
I held my wand with all my might
E'en so, t'was my grave destiny
To be a pirate on the sea.
"Where's my rum?" and "Walk the plank!"
Make others wonder just what I drank.
But much to my own misery
I'm now a pirate on the sea.
Charms used to give me so much joy -
Animate my fav'rite toy,
Bring me snacks where e'er I be,
When not a pirate on the sea.
I still know not what I do lack
to turn my speech and writing back.
I'm trying hard consistently
To shed my pirate on the sea.
So if you read this sad lament
Raise your wand with elbow bent
And please repeat this after me:
"Lugh's NOT a pirate on the sea!"
[At this point, the substitute Charms professor, Peggy Campbell, noticed the commotion in the back of the classroom. Rolling her eyes, the veteran instructor strode purposefully to the small knot of students, glanced at Lugh's parchment, pointed her alder wand at the teen's throat, twisted slightly, and then raised one eyebrow expectantly. Lugh whispered something unintelligible and then grinned widely. Waving everyone else away, he bent back over his parchment again as the professor strode off in search of more miscreants.]
And there you have it, SOUPer readers - the moral of my misadventure is: Don't trust Kalina when you've taken the mickey out of her for... something. Also, I have discovered that being a pirate is clearly not all it's made out to be, and I'm going to stay far away from anyone who thinks that pirate speak, poetry, or charms, in general, are funny. I'll stick with my fireworks, thanks!