Dear Draco,
I 'ave a bit o' a problem as ye can like enough tell by now. It all started when I went t' Borgin 'n Burkes 'n spotted a gold piece o' eight behind one o' the display cases. The shillin' itself was mighty smart 'n had a cool skull on it, but the store clerk tried t' warn me against purchasin' it, sayin' 'twas cursed. I ignored him, obviously, but maybe it is cursed 'cause I can't stop natterin' like this! Apparently, in order to scuttle the curse, I must return the piece o' eight t' a pirate, but I'm not sure where any pirates are. Please help me so I can stop natterin' like this!
-I'm this close t' changin' me name t' Cap'n Calypso
Dear Captain Calypso,
First things first, who is this? Is this one of Draco's friends playing a weird practical joke? I found Draco's quill just lying around, which honestly isn't very unusual, as he always leaves his things lying around. That's what happens when you lose your House Elf, after all. You always have things lying around so that you trip over them when all you want to do is grab a cup of tea to relax. Anyways, as soon as I picked it up, it started writing out the peculiar message above. I could scarcely understand what you're even asking of me, Pirate Calypso, but I could tell that you seem distressed, so I may as well help you.
From what I've gathered, you need to return a cursed coin to a pirate to break a curse? A curse that's causing you to talk like a pirate who has spent way too much time in the sun? I'll do my best to help you, well, as much as a Malfoy would be willing to. Apparently, I have all the time in the world now that my son and husband seem to have disappeared yet again. You asked me about where you find a pirate. Hmm, let's think. I'm sure you must have asked the store clerk at Borgin and Burkes about where one would find a pirate, and they were probably of no help. Honestly, though, if they're collecting cursed pirate coins, chances are they didn't come into contact with the coin from a very cooperative pirate. You know what? I actually met a pirate once years ago, right after I had finished my last year at Hogwarts while Lucius and I were on a brief "break". The pirate's name was Long John Silver, and was really the nicest man by pirate standards, at least. Yes, I had to ignore the fact that he smelt like rotting squid, but overall, he was very pleasant to be around. We actually had tea together a few times, but unfortunately for him, I had no desire to be the wife of a pirate. What does this have to do with your situation? Well, I'm not entirely sure, but Lucius and Draco wouldn't have cared to listen to this story, so I may as well tell you.
Now, back to finding a pirate. Have you checked The Hog's Head? That's where I met my pirate, well not MY pirate, but you know what I mean. Long John Silver was a wizard, believe it or not. Yes, wizards can be pirates too! Typically, they're not usually the most skilled wizards though, but what they lack in wizardry, they make up for in smelling like the inside of a cat food factory. With that said, I don't think you, Captain Calypso, can be too picky about the way your pirate smells. Just befriend the trail of cats that are surely following the pirate, and give the pirate your coin!
Hmm, I'm trying to remember other pirate locations for you. Oh! I know, have you considered asking one of the ghosts at Hogwarts? Surely one of them has run into a pirate or two in their day. I'm not too sure how willing they would be to help you, but maybe they would if you catch them at the right time. In fact, your best chance is probably to catch them when they're all gathered for the Deathday party. The problem with the Deathday idea is that you may have to talk like a pirate for a month or more.
Speaking of parties, I once attended a party where I overheard the host discuss a Bed and Breakfast that was supposedly managed by a pirate. Now, I'm not quite sure why anyone would want to stay at a Bed and Breakfast run by a pirate... imagine the smell alone, but apparently, they had a great time. Maybe you could book a stay there? You would fit right in. Wait! You could instead give the pirate host the coin and avoid sleeping in what I would presume is something that smells like the inside of a sardine can. Sadly though, I can't be bothered to remember the name of the Bed and Breakfast at this moment.
You know, I think the best option for you really is just to embrace the curse and make the most of it. I've heard that the Muggles do Renaissance Fairs where they dress up in all sorts of creative garb; some even dress up as pirates. You could probably even set up a booth for all your wares and make a lot of money! You could even buy the most luxurious ship out there afterwards and sail away to find hidden treasure! Doesn't that sound exciting?! Wow, I really got lost in the pirate daydream of mine, didn't I? I guess Long John Silver will always be a part of my heart. Please don't tell Draco or Lucius that, though, or maybe do, and perhaps Lucius would attend less of his "meetings"? Hmm, okay, I've helped as much as I possibly can. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.
P.S. If you get a ship, name it the Narcissa!
- Narcissa