HORRORscopes
By Tyler
Are you wondering about your fate this month? Coupled with the fact that it's the spookiest time of the year? Then I am here to help! No worries, I've predicted the month's worth for you all. Now, I'm not the best at this whole predicting thing, so bear with me, darlings!
Aries: March 21 - April 19
This upcoming month will challenge you. Yes, I have regretful news that your star sign has been changed to the Zombie for this month. Impatience will run rampant on a certain night (and yes, I'm talking about Halloween night). You'll demand candy - especially chocolate - and probably wear a really great costume. You have impeccable taste when it comes to the clothing. You might have to rely on your level thinking to avoid angering everyone around you. And be sure to avoid black cats!
Taurus: April 20 - May 20
Remember last week when you threatened to rip the employee through the window at that fast food drive thru? Unfortunately, it seems this month will be the cause of quite the hindrance for you all. You must avoid haunted houses at all costs this month - as your aura's angry air might spark some ghostly retaliation. And really, what's worse than being pulled into the underworld by spirits? Almost nothing. Blue is your lucky color this month, so we really recommend some blue Halloween decorations to bring good fortune upon your house. Maybe you can get those neat blue fake spiderwebs to adorn your doorways. But be wary, the spider isn't your friend this month and might indeed take nest in these fake webs. Proceed with caution.
Gemini: May 21 - June 20
Have you been stressed to the max and overworked lately? We knew it. This is your month to RELAX. Take a load off and kick back to enjoy the oncoming Autumn weather. But be prepared: November will come soon enough and demand you clean up October's messes. Be aware of the full moon this month - you're likely to get an unexpected visitor then. It is uncertain if this visitor is a friend or foe, so be extra caution. Maybe carry some holy water with you just in case.
Cancer: June 21 - July 22
This is your month to totally let go. Are you on a diet? Who cares! Stuff your face with chocolate and chocolate covered items. You've got a great job promotion coming up, so precelebration is in order! Be sure to avoid all wooden doorframes, as this will be the telltale sign that the building you're in is in danger of collapse. Carry a loud whistle with you at all times just in case.
Leo: July 23 - August 22
Have you had too much fun this summer? Great! Because you're going to need to give back just as much. It's up to you to make this Halloween memorable. I'm talking corn maze, scarecrows, summoning Satan - the works! If you make this a Halloween a great one, you'll be sure to have success in the coming holidays. But beware the number 19 - it is an omen for you this month. If you see it, you need to go in the other direction!
Virgo: August 23 - September 22
This month is going to be a bit fast paced for you all, no lollygagging or half-stepping! It's a busy month and you are going to feel very overwhelmed. It is unclear if it's work or personal related, but be prepared to go into a productivity-frenzy at a moment's notice. Your sweet tooth might take over, however, and leave you candy-less on Halloween night! Be sure to keep a spare package of sweets hidden should such incident happens.
Libra: September 23 - October 22
I'm sure you're thinking the month will go easy on you, and I hate to tell you that you're right. The universe knows it's tested you lately, and it's time it's given you a reward. And by reward, I mean you'll be expecting some wonderful news. Keep your hopes up and your spirits high! Your perception of the spirit world will be increased this month - so keep an eye out for who's real and who's a ghost. Otherwise, you'll look silly while carrying on a conversation with what appears to be thin air!
Scorpio: October 23 - November 22
Have you felt unquenchably thirsty this month? Well, I have some good and bad news. Your month's lucky color is red, and that's because you're probably being affected with a mild case of vampirism. Remember to adhere to your humanity when around your friends and avoid direct sunlight as much as possible - you'll be more easily susceptible to sunburn this month. Also avoid heavily garlic seasoned food.
Sagittarius: November 23 - December 21
Feeling blasé about life? Feeling apathetic towards everything? Well get your head out of the sand! This is your month to be productive and feel great about it! We'll admit, you'll probably encounter a werewolf or two, but don't let that dishearten you! Keep your head held high and remember that 4 is your lucky number!
Capricorn: December 22 - January 19
Feeling overwhelmed? No? Great! Because this month is going to overwhelm you. You'll probably even break down and cry. But to counterbalance this notion, you'll have strive to meditate every day. This should unlock your true potential and unleash the powers you have stored deep down inside you. Don't be surprised if you start levitating or channeling psychic blasts. Learn to control your potential and all the doors locked will open for you.
Aquarius: January 20 - February 18
Have you been feeling lightheaded and nauseas lately? That's because your inner siren is cutting loose and taking over your body as you sleep. That's right, the water in you is drawing you to it as you sing for sailors and pirate alike. Sure, you might've drowned a few, but that's no big deal. If you spend too much time in the water this month, however, you might turn into a mermaid. So be wary or you'll be giving up your land legs for the ocean!
Pisces: February 19 - March 20
Have you felt walked over and used this month? Well, that would make sense. It seems your aura is providing a clear channel from this world to the spirit realm, and you're the portal itself. That's right, ghosts are entering this world through your body. To help with your nausea, try mint leaves and some soothing tea. Focusing your mind's eye, you should be able to ward off the presences. Ectoplasm is not your friend this month, and trust me, it'll be more effort to clean than you're willing to put out. Stay wary!
Now that you've all had your predictions for the Spooktacular month, I advise you all to plan accordingly! And if you have any otherworldy issues, expect them to be gone by November!