Mr. Fashionista
by Tyler
Aha! It's Halloween time and I know you're all excited. Hell, I'm excited, too! I can't wait until my stockpile of candy is refilled, and I'm on a near permanent sugar rush. I even started listening to my Halloween playlist in September. That's how dedicated I am to this. You can all worship me now. Well, more than you already all do...
Either way, I know you. We're friends. And that's why I'm here to tell you that you've completely forgotten about your costume. I know, you really procrastinated this entire month and now you've got a ton of parties lined up with NOTHING to wear. You should really be more organized. But alas, I'm here to help you all out, as always.
So, did someone say last minute costume ideas? Anyone, anyone at all?
Well, regardless, I'm going to bless all of you with some very quick and very obtainable costumes that you can make all in the comfort of your own home! It's like when people cook from scratch or something. This little list of quick fixes will sure to leave you the talk of the town. (Forewarning: it maybe not the best of talk. Like mild slander at best.)
First up on our list is the classic toga. Literally just wear a bed sheet. And maybe even top it off with a rope-like belt if you're feeling super fancy that night. But really though, a white sheet with one shoulder exposed. Your Ancient Greek realness will be the envy of the party. The only downside is you can't risk being near foods that will stain your outfit. So no pasta, pizza, or lasagna. Dry foods only. Optional accessories can be a vine crown that can be composed of whatever plant is in your yard and is still green. Note: don't accidentally use poison ivy. It makes for a terrible week after. Spoken from experience.
Second on our list of homemade costumes is also fairly easy. First, does your household contain an infant? Great. Steal a diaper and pair with a bow and arrow. Bam, you're cupid. You probably won't be able to make anyone fall in love, so refrain from shooting anyone with that arrow of yours. You will be sued, trust me. I can't recall if Cupid actually wears anything besides that stupid jumbo diaper, so feel free to use your artistic license to make stuff up in the name of art.
Another brilliant idea (if I do say so myself), has probably never been done before by mere mortals. The idea: obtain a large black trash bag. Proceed to cut arm holes along with a head hole. Place new garment over your body and you've got the best costume: a person who forgot to bring a raincoat to an outdoor event. It's really the perfect costume because if the party IS outside and it DOES begin to rain, then you can sit back and manically laugh while everyone's costumes are ruined. It really helps you let your evil genius out.
Now that you've gotten your fill of amazing costumes idea, go forth and be the envy of everyone! Make them all green with jealousy (oooh, ANOTHER costume idea right there!). Make sure to always go out with a friend and check your apples for razors or whatever it is the hip bully kids do nowadays.
Also a few quick Halloween tips to keep everything safe: be sure not to summon any demons, make any ritualistic sacrifices, burn anything that looks menacing, sell your soul for any tempting offer, and really, just stay away from graveyards. Maybe make that an "all the time" rule instead just on Halloween. Stay cool, kids!
Until next time,
Mr. Fashionista