When I read that the theme this month was "gratitude", I immediately felt as though the Editors were out to get me. I mean, really, when does Harry ever show any kind of gratitude in the books, instead of just blaming everyone he knows for his mistakes and throwing himself recklessly into the next fight without any thought of the consequences, like my cat when she decides to start throwing shade at my neighbour's chihuahua?
Apparently, however, I was mistaken: Harry is indeed capable of feeling an emotion other than teenage angst, as is shown when they manage to miraculously escape from Gringotts:
Harry's overwhelming feeling was of gratitude for an escape that had seemed impossible.
So there you have it, folks. Can you nab that Horcrux, escape Gringotts, and reach rescued-Harry levels of gratitude? Or will you forever be stuck as oh-no-everyone's-sacrificing-themselves-for-me-and-I'm-still-all-alone Harry? Find out here (and you'd better be grateful about it)!
1. You've just been drenched by that sneaky Thief's Downfall and you're currently falling faster than my grades this term. What do you do to save yourself?
A. What was that spell again? Hmm... Are you sure that Professor Flitwick talked about it before? Well then, do you need a few minutes to think of an answer? (Go to Ending 1)
B. Try out that nifty "Arresto Momentum" you read about in Witch Weekly last week and see what happens. (Go to Question 2)
C. Apparate! You're a pro at Apparition! Let's do that! (Go to Ending 2)
D. Angle yourself towards one of the vaults and hope for the best (what's the worst that could happen?). (Skip to Question 3)
2. Although no-one can say how, your wandwork paid off and you've landed safely! ... Is what I would say, if you hadn't landed smack-bang in front of a big ol' fire-breathing dragon. What are you going to do now!?
A. Naruto run in circles - they can't stop all of us! (Go to Ending 3)
B. It's Apparition TimeTM! After all, I wouldn't let you do that on the last question! (Go to Ending 4)
C. Aimlessly toss your sword at the dragon hilt-first, scream, and scramble into the nearest vault on your left. (Skip to Question 4)
D. Grab the conveniently-located device on your right and give it a shake. Maybe this'll buy you enough time to sneak around? (Go to Question 3)
3. Huzzah, you're in the right vault, more armed and dangerous than a snake with a knife! But don't celebrate just yet: your friend manages to trip over a goblet on the floor, and within seconds the vault starts to fill up with more useless junk than my aunt's living room. (Seriously, where do you find these people?) Think quick: what do we do now?
A. Yank out the sword and throw it as hard as you can at the nearest suspicious-looking cup. Yolo, am I right? (Go to Question 4)
B. Open the vault door again - you'd take a dragon over drowning in tacky ornaments any day. (Skip to Question 5)
C. Can I Apparate now? (Go to Ending 5)
D. Yank out the bottle of Fiendfyre from your pocket, but snag it on your robes, fumble, and smash it on the ground. (Go to Ending 6)
4. Great job: that was the Sword of Gryffindor. Now you're weaponless and trapped in a vault with possibly no escape, and probably people gathering outside, and a dragon, and is it hot in here or is it just me, and how long can we go without fresh oxygen, and WHY IS EVERYONE BREATHING SO LOUDLY ... Okay, okay, I'm sorry, you're right, I'm taking deep breaths. Help us! What are we going to do!?
A. Apparate us the heck out of here! (Go to Ending 7)
B. Yank the door open and charge out, shouting out a war cry and firing spells at random... Wait, why are we running towards the dragon!? (Skip to Question 6)
C. Slam open the door and shout, "You just got pranked!" (Go to Question 5)
D. Open the door and saunter outside, shaking hands with everyone you meet and thanking them for taking the time to come and arrest you. (Go to Ending 8 )
5. Well, you certainly didn't expect to see THAT many people outside. I don't want to go to jail - there's so much I haven't done yet! I haven't even tried sushi! What are you going to do about them!?
A. Look the nearest one dead in the eye, whisper, "Luke, I am your father", and Apparate on the spot (what is it with you and Apparating?). (Go to Ending 9)
B. Raise your wand and Accio the dragon over to you (wait, what?). (Accio yourself over to Question 6)
C. Start applauding and cheering the guards, clapping them on the shoulder as you casually stroll in the direction of the dragon. (While you're at it, stroll in the direction of Question 6)
D. Take the sensible approach (clearly you're new here) and hide behind a pillar, slowly working your way back towards the dragon. (Take that sensible approach and head on over to Question 6)
6. By some miracle, you clamber aboard the dragon, somehow managing to sustain only minor burns and just your jacket on fire. The dragon flips at having a live flame on its back and immediately takes off. You're so close now, but how are you going to get to the exit?
A. Remove your jacket and wave it like a banner as you soar into the sky, looking like a classic storybook hero. (Go to Ending 10)
B. Pat the dragon on the neck and whisper, "I'm with you to the end of the line, pal" to make sure the dragon knows both about your amazing pop-culture references and your friendly intentions. (Go to Ending 11)
C. Scream and cling on for dear life as you hurtle towards the exit, still firing spells at random just in case you run into another obstacle. (Go to Ending 12)
D. This is it, your crowning moment: time to Apparate! (Go to Ending 13)
Ending 1: Seriously? You'd take a few minutes out while hurtling towards the ground at top speed? Did you not even read the question? I think you can guess what happens when you reach the bottom. Better luck next time.
Ending 2: It's a nice idea in principle, but unfortunately, Apparition doesn't work in Gringotts, as you quickly find out. Maybe save this technique for the next time you find yourself soaked by a waterfall and falling from a great height?
Ending 3: As it turns out, they can stop all of us (namely, just you). A+ for your meme culture knowledge, but otherwise a solid F, as the dragon roasts you quicker than an internet troll when you make a typo.
Ending 4: While it is true that I didn't let you do this on the last question, it was for a good reason. Once again, the Apparition fails and, as you spin rapidly on the spot in the hope of disappearing, you tumble right into the path of the dragon. Ah well, maybe next time.
Ending 5: No, you can't. Seriously, will you ever learn your lesson about Apparition? Stuck in the vault, all you can do is sigh, cross you arms, and begin to file your nails with the Sword of Gryffindor. Hey, might as well go out in style, right?
Ending 6: Wha-Why would you ever consider that as an option?! Have you not even read the seventh book? Within minutes, the whole vault is ablaze. I guess you'd better Apparate yourself back to the start and try again.
Ending 7: I appreciate you trying, but Apparition really isn't going to help here. Please, go back and think of another plan!
Ending 8: Ah, a bit of reverse psychology, eh? Yeah, it doesn't work. Within seconds, an entire army of goblins and Death Eaters swarms upon and arrests you. Quickly: time-turner yourself back to Question 4 and find another way!
Ending 9: You're good with these pop-culture references! I must say, though, I'm getting kind of tired of this whole Apparition thing. You stumble backwards over your robes and, as you hit the ground, you immediately become the centre of a Death Eater pile-up. Maybe this will teach you not to keep on with the whole Apparating thing.
Ending 10: Oh my, you look so fabulous up there! As you soar upwards, everyone pauses their spell-casting to gaze up at the shining beacon above them. The only problem: the dragon, alerted by the light, quickly shakes you off, and you begin to tumble back towards the ground ... and you're back where you started. Give the quiz another whirl - if you dare!
Ending 11: As it turns out, the dragon is a big Marvel fan. Upon escaping the bank, the dragon flies you to the nearest cinema, where you buy tickets to a rerun of Spider-Man (premier seats, of course) and bond over theories for future movies. Who'd have thought it?
Ending 12: Smashing through the ceiling, you soar into the sky and finally emerge into freedom. Whether or not you have the Horcrux or not is a different question, but I guess now you can finally experience Harry's gratitude for yourself. Or, in the spirit of gratitude for me writing this article, you can go back and try again, if you want!
Ending 13: How many times - Hang on, it's working! I don't believe it! Willing yourself back to the safety of your living room, you somehow manage to Apparate yourself right into your armchair. Picking up your phone, you order a sharing pizza with stuffed crust. What a champion - I'm sorry I ever doubted you!