Horoscopes
By Tyler
Aries: March 21 - April 19This month will prove to be particularly stressful as danger lurks around every corner. Keep your eyes peeled and whatever you do, avoid chili powder at all costs. Don't question it.
Taurus: April 20 - May 20
Meadows and valleys are your friends this month. Take a step into nature and forget your problems this time. Focus on your inner serenity and peace. Make a fairy crown. Rule the forest.
Gemini: May 21 - June 20
You're going to be faced with an uncomfortable chat this month. When in doubt: freak dance your way out of awkward situations. Pop, lock, and drop your way out of that situation.
Cancer: June 21 - July 22
Start couponing this month. Your wallet will thank you later.
Leo: July 23 - August 22
You're going to be asked to babysit this month. If you need the money, do it. If you don't avoid it. If you do, reward yourself with a nice glass of wine or a shot afterwards.
Virgo: August 23 - Sept. 22
Keep a spare pair of pants in your car. You never know what accidents may occur while trying to eat while driving. Maybe invest in a bib. Or just keep a whole change of outfit in your car as well. It couldn't hurt...
Libra: Sept. 23 - October 22
You know that big decision you keep putting off? Go for it.
Scorpio: October 23 - Nov. 21
Falling pianos make no melodies. Look up more often. Take in your surroundings. If you see a looming shadow growing bigger around you, take a step to the side. Don't allow something huge to cause you to crumple.
Sagittarius: Nov. 22 - Dec. 21
Go back to your roots. Visit your hometown. Make amends with your parents. Visit a nursing home. Your task is to make everyone around you smile this month. Be a source of their happiness. Spread love.
Capricorn: Dec. 22 - Jan. 19
Take a weekly bath to soak away your stress. Light some candles, fill the tub with bubbles, play some music. Allow yourself this time of peace, because the rest of the week will be a rollercoaster. Strap in.
Aquarius: Jan. 20 - Feb. 18
Why is your star sign the water bearer yet your element air? Explain that one to me. (In other words: question everything.)
Pisces: Feb. 19 - March 20
Learn to cook this month. The sooner the better. Otherwise, that bout of food poisoning from eating out might rear its head earlier than you thought...