Ranting and Raving: Muggle Magic
By Sophie
When I first read that the theme for this month would be “Smoke and Mirrors”, I sat down at my desk and proceeded to slam my face on it. Yes, this theme seemed like an amazing idea at the time of deciding, but, when you really think about it, what is there to dislike about deception and deceit? We, being members of the noble house of Salazar Slytherin, should enjoy nothing more than conning others with some clever trickery – so why would we complain about it?
However, the more I thought about it, the more I realised just how much I detest Smoke and Mirrors in the context in which this delightful idiom was created. After all, there is nothing worse in this world than the very idea of…
Magic.
Of course, I’m not talking about magic in the sense of the wands-out, epic-spell-casting, badass type of magic. No, that type of magic is just plain cool, and I hope that none of you are against this; if you are, then I’m sorry to tell you, my friend, you’re not going to like Hogwarts.
The type that I’m talking about is the kind of magic tricks you see on the television, or – if you’re unlucky enough – have to witness in person, such as those frustrating card and coin tricks. This magic is the kind that forces me to carry around a water gun wherever I go, to prevent any magicians coming within a ten-foot radius.
First of all, most of them are a sham: almost nobody can perform magic without a wand in their hand, especially not the Muggliest of all Muggles. How did they pull a card out from behind your ear? It was probably tucked up their sleeve. Where did that coin come from? It was always in their hand to begin with. Where’s the originality here, people?
Another thing I can never understand is why you would bother going to the effort of sawing somebody in half, only to fit them back together again at the end. If you feel a sudden urge to remove somebody’s legs, you can’t then just slot them back on: it’s not fair to the person you’re chopping; you have to show commitment to one plan, not switch halfway through.
Many of these magic tricks are performed incredibly badly, as well. For example, remember that amazing levitating trick that that magician supposedly performed in London several years back? I’m sure it looked fantastic…from any other view but mine. Instead, I had a marvelous view of a man suspended from two wires, hanging rather stupidly from the Shard, like some sort of misshapen bird stuck in overhanging branches.
As a small disclaimer for myself, I haven’t got anything against this type of magic explicitly; after all, we mighty magical people must pity those without our gifts. On the whole, Muggle magic can be fine – if it is performed to a decent standard. That one magician who opened up an unpeeled orange and revealed a note that had just been written by a volunteer was particularly impressive – not least because over half of the audience seemed to collapse with shock. However, this opens up another avenue of annoyance: just why are there so many tricks that we cannot understand!?
So, to finish this article before I end up ranting for several more weeks (and believe me, I could), I want to make my main points completely clear: magic is annoying when it is not performed well; magic is annoying when it is performed well. Now, do you see why it is so frustrating? I’m confusing myself just writing this!
I hope this article hasn’t left you so mad, you pulled your hare out…of a top hat. Sorry, that was awful.
I need to go cool off for a bit.
- Sophie