Dear Pansy
By Pansy Parkinson
Dear Pansy,
I've come across quite a conundrum. Ever since I walked under a ladder the other day, when I was in the library searching for books, things have gotten a bit strange. First, I lost my wallet, then I was late to class, and afterwards I accidentally turned my Professor into a Canary! I thought I had given them the lemon bar that I had made! Luckily, the Professor quickly reversed the magic. Pansy, I think I'm cursed. Is there anything you could do to help me? Any advice?
Tweet Tweet,
The unlucky for life
Dear Unlucky for Life,
Well, my first instinct would be to not respond to your letter and hope that this note you sent me isn't hexed either. Unfortunately, I can't leave a fellow Slytherin hanging, so here I am...it appears to me that you picked a good time to be cursed or simply unlucky. If you haven't taken notice, it is almost St. Patrick's Day. If you can manage to get a hold of a leprechaun, I'm sure they can help you out. It is said that if you catch one you they can grant you three wishes. Maybe, if you play nice they'll grant you your wish. Although, while you're at it, can you save your last wish for me? It seems only fair as I have given you this glorious piece of advice. Make a wish on my behalf so that I may have an endless supply of Wonder Witch's Pimple Vanisher. Writing these letters makes me break out.
xoxo,
Pansy P.
Dear Pansy,
Has there ever been a moment in your life where you told yourself you were making the right decision, when in reality you weren't? The other day I had a moment like this. I told myself I was making the right decision to sleep in but in reality I slept through my class. Now I'll have to ask one of those pesky Ravies for their notes. Please, tell me you relate.
zzzzz,
Just Five More Minutes
Dear Just Five More Minutes,
First off, we all know that when we say "Just Five More Minutes" it turns into an hour. Once that snooze button or stop button is pressed, it's over. As a person that is ready to take on the day everyday and make it hers, I can still relate to you. I once slept through my Potions class because I fell asleep in the library studying. Needless to say, I never heard the end of it from Professor Snape. Not because he cared...it could have been because I was always late. Anyway, that's not important right now.
In addition, I have had moments in which I thought I was making the right decision but in reality it wasn't. I used to obsess over this tall, white blond, gray eyed, pureblood, snake *Day Dreams*....but I'm TOTALLY over it. Now, I have realized that I should focus on myself and my life goals. Even if my life goals were to marry him... There are bigger and better things in life and it only took me a few mistakes to realize that.
Learn from my mistakes, learn from your mistakes. Sometimes, we learn the hard way. I hope you've learned the hard way to always have a second alarm. But above all, stay away from boys. /shifty
xoxo,
Pansy P.
Dear Pansy,
It was awful that last month when I didn't have any advice from you. GOSH! I've made a few mistakes, just a real of myself! I asked my crush on a date to Hogsmeade, which was fine. I was a tad nervous but none the less, they said yes! Moving on, our date to The Three Broomsticks arrives. Guess what happened...I SPILLED MY BUTTERBEER OVER MY DATE! Pansy, I wanted to die in that moment! I wanted the earth to open up right then and there to swallow me whole. Unfortunately, as much as prayed, that didn't happen. I made a fool out of myself and now I don't know what to do!
AAAGH,
Embarrassed for Laife
Dear Embarrassed for Laife,
You lack of proper grammar bothers me, really. I can see now why that date of yours hasn't talked to you since. You should really start there. Now, on to the other matter. Did you say you were sorry? Did you buy them a new shirt? Or did you at least offer to help them clean up? If you answered no to at least 2 of those questions, I suggest you move on. But fear not, there is still hope! I'm sure if you send them flowers with an attached apology it should work. If it doesn't, maybe tell them you read my column and even asked for my advice. That usually works. I'm pretty famous and looked up to by my fellow Slytherins students.
PS: If THAT doesn't work, you're on your own kid.
xoxo,
Pansy P.