Horoscopes
By Tyler
I recently ran off was kidnapped and taken to the beach and in my travels I found one saving grace: Salt Water Taffy. I know, I know. I'm a few hundred years late, probably. But it's just so good! So, in keeping with the candy theme, let's assign flavors that I've encountered to the signs! Follow meeeeee!
Aries: March 21 - April 19
Lemon Cream
You might come across a little sour and hard to swallow, but that's okay. Everyone loves a good lemon flavor. And if they don't: they're weak.
Taurus: April 20 - May 20
Grape
A beautiful fruit and just remember: it's used to made wine. But it's also used to make raisins. So make up your mind, already.
Gemini: May 21 - June 20
Orange
Are you the color or the fruit? Both? Insanity. You're super into duality. And I'm proud of you.
Cancer: June 21 - July 22
Blueberry Muffin
I know. It's a weird as hell flavor to embark on, but we're taking this journey together. I haven't eaten one yet, but they're blueberries and carbs. Amazing and perfect. Congratulations.
Leo: July 23 - August 22
Watermelon
Green on the inside, pink on the inside. Just like the lizard overlords. And just as tasty! Let your vines grow and strangle if you must.
Virgo: August 23 - September 22
Bacon
This is an actual flavor I encountered. Why? Who knows. Humans are so weird. But tasty. Be the crispy bacon in the world. Stand up for yourself!
Libra: September 23 - October 22
Pink Lemonade
A cool summer flavor! Tangy but still pretty. You'll flourish this summer.
Scorpio: October 23 - November 22
Coconut
Tropical and hard to open. So, you should open up easier to people who are willing to listen. Also you're a nice alternative to dairy milk.
Sagittarius: November 23 - December 21
Lime
Are you different from lemon? Prove yourself different from others. Don't be afraid to stand out! Be unique! Being everyone else is boring.
Capricorn: December 22 - January 19
Ham
I didn't eat any of this flavor because it scared me. So, you're intimidating. I'm in awe of you and a little skittish. Chill.
Aquarius: January 20 - February 18
Green Apple
So, those are the sweet apples right? Awesome. You're a sweet person. Kind and nurturing. Good on you.
Pisces: February 19 - March 20
Marshmallow
Another interesting flavor. You're 1/3 a s'more. So, push yourself to fill that 2/3 gap and leave a statement in the minds of others. Holla.