Detention With Filch
By Bee
If there is one thing that you're better off not experiencing, it would be none other than spending detention with Filch.
Of all the people I could have spent detention with, it had to be with the Caretaker. Don't get me wrong, I've never been a goody two shoes, but I've never landed myself in detention. My first detention had to be in the Forbidden Forest with no other than Mr. Argus Filch, Hogwarts' certified infuriating inhabitant.
What did I do to deserve this punishment, you may ask? Well, McGonagall simply caught me in the act of redecorating Filch's office. It seemed quite fitting, since his office was ghastly... and don't get me started on its smell. I nearly fainted. It smelled like cats and... dung beetles.
Now, I know you want me to describe his office in detail, but I can't describe everything. You should see it for yourself. The Boys' Dorm smells better in comparison, I swear.
The night started out with me complaining that the Forbidden Forest smelled strangely like dung and that I could hardly see a thing. Of course, Filch decided to be a dog in the manger and forced me to clean up any dung I came across with my bare hands.
He absolutely did not consider the health risks when he asked me to do that.
Since I was in detention and McGonagall had told me to do what Filch told me--within reason, mind you--I was forced to do as he said. Though, now that I think of it, picking up manure by hand seems highly unreasonable. Not to mention, Mrs. Norris looked strangely self-satisfied when I bent to 'clean up' some piece of dung. It was horrible, and Filch just stood there... enjoying my misery.
That was only the start, however.
He was drawing my punishment out, and all he knew was that I was in his office. Well, okay. I may have taken some of his stuff over the years... especially some of his most valued possessions. (Oh, and he keeps his to-do list in the right most drawer. Anyone thinking of a prank?)
On the other hand, dung is really sticky. It kind of reminds me of mud, albeit dirtier. If it wasn't from another creature's body--what if it came from a centaur? Or worse, what if it came from Hagrid's half-brother, Grawp?--I would have suggested that Muggles use it for those creams of theirs. I do believe that dung has some... qualities that might help with a person's, err, skin.
I was sort of enjoying the feeling, but then Mrs. Norris pooed and I had to clean up that mess too. It took ages, and Filch just sat against a tree trunk with his lamp and chuckling--though choking might have been a more appreciated word--with his stupid cat curled on his lap. I wondered whether he told the feline to poo beforehand, because it all seemed scripted to me.
I mean, who wants to be crouching in the forest and doing something completely unhygienic? The fact that I could have done it with magic made it even more annoying.
I felt more like a Muggle janitor than a kid in detention.
And did I mention the part where I had to jog back to the castle and get a bucket? Let's keep it between us. I only jogged up to Hagrid's hut and summoned a bucket. It gave me a few seconds to clean my hands. Some of the dung had gotten underneath my fingers and the smell was unbearable.
When I came back, Filch had left me a note saying that he had to go relieve himself and Mrs. Norris was curled up against the same tree.
I didn't think twice. I placed the bucket down beside Mrs. Norris, and I left. To be more specific, I ran all the way to the Girls' Dormitory as if someone had lit a match under my ass.
McGonagall's going to give me hell for ditching halfway through detention, but I just had to. What if Filch came up with something even more ridiculous like sniff every tree and guess which creature had peed on it the past hour? I could handle punishments, but Filch was absolutely ridiculous.
Do I really need to stick my hands into dirty substances to be told off? I admit, it won't exactly work, but I do have to commend Filch for trying to scare me.
There you have it, my friends! My rather sickening detention with Filch and Mrs. Norris.
Until the next detention,
Bee