Dear Aragog,
I have to admit that writing to you terrifies me a whole lot, but I'm desperate for some help, and Hagrid pointed me your way, so here I am! There's this girl I like, you know, like-like, and she is absolutely bonkers over magical beasts that are not necessarily school-approved. That being said, I thought sneaking off into the Forbidden Forest together might make an exciting date, and perhaps you could make a very brief appearance? You know, just a quick exchange?
Look forward to your response,
Desperate for Love
Dear Desperate to Get Eaten,
She likes dangerous creatures, you say? Well, I welcome you graciously to my nest. It's not every day my children and I receive such willing visitors, in fact, the last time I can recall, they left all too soon. Of course, I know you will both join me for much longer, lest you wish to show cowardice to your lady-to-be. I will send my exact location as soon as possible, but do expect some delay- for some reason all the owls keep disappearing.
Bring your friends,
Aragog
Dear Aragog,
People keep calling me four eyes because I wear glasses. It stinks, and I hate always being treated badly because of it. How can I be more confident and rock having more than "two" eyes?
Sincerely,
May-eyed Slytherin
Dear Not-Enough-Eyes Slytherin,
I cannot sympathize with your predicament, as no one has ever dared make fun of my many eyes. I can, however, advise you on exactly how to handle your problem- eat your foes. Simple as that. You're also more than welcome to send them my way, and we will see how they feel about the thousands of eyes in my nest.
You can come, too,
Aragog
Dear Aragog,
Help! I may have unintentionally gotten a friend expelled from Hogwarts... They weren't exactly the closest person to me, but I feel bad nonetheless. Especially since I maybe played a part in it all. How do I make it up to them?
Please help,
Innocent Until Proven Guilty
Dear Wanted and Guilty,
You have done your friend a great disservice with your acts, however harmless you think they were. While I do not know the charges at play, as the school's mundane news doesn't often reach the forest, I am sure you know of my previous history with expulsion. I was blamed in Hagrid's expelling, and yet we know I never once harmed any student in your school. And it, too, was the fault of another's, who lied to stay innocent. While I don't appreciate what you have done, I do think I have a solution that you may find intriguing. Why not pay me a visit, and we can devise a way for you to have your friend reinstated while still keeping you out of it? I do have plenty of room here in the forest, just follow the spiders until you reach me.
I will see you soon,
Aragog