Letting Your Evil Side Win: Ridding Yourself of Your Pesky Werewolf Problems
By Lilith Lestrange
My most beloved evil companions, Fear not, Lilith is here to give you your much needed monthly dose of advice to help you embrace your evil side and dominate the world. I mean, psh, who likes the heroes anyways, it's always the villains who manage to steal the show. But alas, this month's article is not to discuss villains and heroes and how to dominate the world (we'll save that for a later issue of SOUP). Instead, I'd like to focus on the theme of this month's issue: Moon & Space. So I can already hear you complaining: what on Earth does Moon & Space have to do with being evil, right? Well little grasshopper, allow the master of evil to teach you a thing or two.
The moon is such a beautiful, breathtaking celestial object, beloved by nearly anyone. The key words here are "nearly everyone". So my brilliant little evil geniuses, use that brain of yours and think of which creature might not be as fond of the moon as the rest of us. Do I hear werewolves? DING DING. We have a winner! You might be decently clever after all! Now let's move on to the evil stuff.
So any person who has done any sort of business in Knockturn Alley will have run into the infamous Fenrir Greyback at some point in time. It's impossible for that arrogant narcissistic fool to not rub you the wrong way. Just the way he speaks, as if you are the vermin at his feet, is beyond insulting and quite infuriating. It is because of my utter hatred for this imbecile that I will use him as the example in my advising for evil plans.
Now, the idea came to me as I lay awake in my bed in the dead of the night. I had had a nasty encounter with Greyback the previous day, and it had ended with him threatening to rip my throat out if I got in his way again. Can you believe the audacity of this moron? It is this that inspired my abnormally brilliant mind to devise a plan to get revenge on this egotistical dog.
I tell you this plan in hopes that if you have a certain werewolf that pushes your buttons more than you can handle, that you might think of my brilliant plan and consider it. Trust me, it'll make you feel warm and fuzzy inside once you've done it--or at least it made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside after I got rid of that filth. But anyway, back to the plan.
So I stalked paid attention to what Greyback did throughout the day; I figured out what his routine was. Through my skillful watching, I was able to figure out that he eats dinner at a local pub, where he eats a rare steak and downs several mugs of beer. It was this routine that allowed me to realize where I could insert my masterful plan. Taking an anti-gravity potion I brewed a few months back, I snuck into the pub's kitchen, and laced Greyback's steak with the potions.
I then sat back and waited for the commotion to start. It didn't take long before it did, and when it did, I made my way into the pub's main room, and watched as Greyback rose from the ground, only gaining altitude with every passing second. Before long, he was breaking through the pub's roof, and floating away into the night.
The thing to know is that I waited to proceed with this plan until a night when the moon was sitting perfectly above the pub. My hopes were that Greyback would eventually make contact with the moon, and since space has no gravity, it would reverse the effects of the potion, and make Greyback have gravity once again, leaving him stuck on the moon for all of eternity. As if this wasn't torture enough, keep in mind that Greyback is a werewolf, and since he's on the moon, he will always be transformed into his werewolf form, never getting the chance to be in his human form ever again.
It was a rather brilliant plan, wasn't it? No need to be jealous. Just follow the main concept of the plan on that special werewolf of yours, and watch as your problem floats off into space. No guarantees that your plan will go as smoothly as mine did, but the key is to plan plan plan.
Good luck getting rid of your pesky werewolf,
Lilith Lestrange