Cause of Death: Birthdays
By Lenalie Diana Collier
Is it possible to die from birthday overload? No, seriously. I need to know, because I just might be the next one to go out that way. I have been drowning in birthdays this month, and the madness has just begun. My mother's and grandmother's celebrations have already passed, and my boyfriend's, aunt's, and father's birthdays are fast approaching. Not to mention all the celebrations surrounding the many July babies in Slytherin. Now you're telling me we're supposed to celebrate Harry's birthday, too? Forget it! I refuse! It will be the death of me!
Don't get me wrong, I love birthdays in moderation. Who doesn't? It gives me an excuse to pig out on cake, ice cream, and cookies. The people I care about get awesome gifts from me (and I'm not being stuck up here; they're pretty damn awesome.) Everyone makes an extra effort to get along and make that day special. It's just when everything gets shoved together that we run into problems. As hard as it may be to believe, you can have too much birthday fun.
First, you reach the point where you simply can't eat any more sweets. I wasn't sure that point existed, personally, but I found it and hurtled over the line with a crash and bang. As much as I love cake, surviving off of it for a week is a very bad idea. I haven't felt so sluggish in years. A piece of advice: add some fruits and vegetables to your birthday meals. You'll thank me later.
I, unfortunately, do not have an unlimited supply of Galleons or Muggle dollars, and this presents another important problem. Gifts cost money, no matter which way you look at it. Even if you make the gift, it's not like the supplies are going to appear just like that (unless you're really good at conjuration spells.) How am I supposed to give the perfect gifts if my birthday funds are depleted after the first one or two celebrations? I don't suppose anyone knows where I can find some Leprechaun gold? (Don't tell anyone I asked you that.)
Lastly, as much as I would enjoy being entirely cheerful all the time, I simply can't do it. Let's face it—I'm grumpy by nature. I need a few days to lie around complaining about everyone and everything, but with all these birthdays, I find a smile plastered to my face everywhere I go. The muscles in my face are starting to ache. I think whoever decided it was easier to smile than to frown must have done their studies upside down.
You see, birthdays can be a pain, even when they're for the ones you love. So, now you're asking me to celebrate the birth date of some arrogant Gryffindor? Nice try. I'd rather spend my time locked in the SOUP broom cupboard. In fact, it wouldn't be a bad place to hide…
Happy birthday to everyone; now leave me alone,
Lenalie Diana Collier