"Hmmm what to do, what to do? They need to pay for all that nonsense. But how?" That is the question that plagued my mind of late my lovely readers. Action is required and it probably won't seem kind but needs must. Now I don't want you to think that I am a vengeful snake but as Mummy darling says, "If the skin fits". This Slytherin alumnus has not brought out her teeth for a while but the current situation in the SOUP offices seems to demand that I do something. The level of silliness at times is getting ridiculous and I'm sure you can all guess who is to blame? And no! It's not me this time! Since I have been working more closely with our darling editors, I have been on my best behaviour. Honest!
So that leaves only our terrible trio of magical miscreants. Namely Fox, Katie and Hobbit. Between them, both myself, Kitten and Dragon have had our work cut out keeping the office in one piece. Which simply won't do. What would Snape say if he saw some of the mysterious mishaps that have befallen our noble press room? He would not be amused I'm sure.
So to that end, I have come up with a plan, which may or may not have been inspired by the frankly quite sad wanderings of my mind as my roommate Tabitha watched Twilight (A muggle movie about completely implausible vampires. Silly girl) for the millionth time in the last month. I swear that witch needs to get a hobby that does not revolve around narcissistic, creepy males. But who am I to judge? My love life is not exactly stellar either and I grudgingly admit that Jacob is at least pretty to look at. It makes up for his wooden acting just a bit.
So as I write this article, you will find me in my room with my cauldron bubbling and a somewhat confusing array of ingredients around me. Now as you know, charms are most certainly not my forte, they always trouble me but the same cannot be said for potions though. Juggling the fine balance between magical substances thrills me almost as much as a good book does and I am just as happy sitting on my floor brewing as I am reading. Therefore, this plan of mine involves a little concocting that I think will make the girls think twice about those glitter bombs I know Katie has stashed under her desk to launch at unsuspecting passers-by. Our issue this month may be about the Devil's confetti but that does not mean we all want to be wearing it for eternity.
But I digress. Let me explain the process to you for this plan of mine, I'm sure you will agree that it is a prank worthy of the great Weasley twins themselves! First, you will need to collect the following ingredients:
10 ladles full Universal Potion Liquid
6 drops Armadillo Bile
4 drops Re'em Blood
4 drops Morning Dew
1 tbsp Asphodel roots, finely chopped
1 tbsp Powdered Bicorn Horn
1 stem Fluxweed, crushed
1 Belladonna leaf, crushed
2 tsp Griffin claw, grated
1 tsp Pearl Dust
1 tsp Edible Silver Glitter
Before you ask, I will assure you, that while this is a potion of my own design, I have checked with several noted professional Potioneers that this creation will not poison anyone. I'm not that unkind (Well at least not to my colleagues). Once you have collected all you need, you will need to follow this process to the letter:
1. Place all the liquid ingredients in your cauldron and slowly bring it up to a low boil, stirring once clockwise every three minutes.
2. When the solution has turned from pale, muddy brown to a deep rose pink and is simmering gently, add the Asphodel roots and Bicorn horn. Then stir five times anti-clockwise quickly to whip the potion to a light and shiny blue colour.
3. Next, turn the heat up on your cauldron and wait for 15 minutes while the solution is bubbling well. When you start to see the bubbles turn from blue to silver, turn the heat off and add the Fluxweed, Belladonna leaf and Griffin claw.
4. Stir continuously for eight minutes in alternate clockwise and anticlockwise swirls until the potion becomes smooth and silky in appearance and smells pleasant.
5. Finally, return the cauldron to a low simmer and add the pearl dust and the glitter. Stir once only in an anticlockwise direction and then leave to bubble gently for forty-five minutes. Only stir again if the potion begins to stick to the sides of the cauldron.
6. Leave to cool and bottle once the potion is completely cold.
If you manage to brew this potion correctly, it should look like a shimmery silver potion similar to the liquid mercury in a muggle thermometer. It is odourless and tasteless and mixes well into any inert liquid such as water. My own potion seems to have turned out well while I was juggling it and my quill, so I think I will go and find a bottle and get ready to be a stereotypical sneaky snake. I made just enough to make our office drinking fountain decidedly more interesting than it normally is. Well, for me at least....
Until the indignant screams of newborn, sparkly vampires ring through the air my dear readers or my next article is due, whichever comes first, stay glitterific all! - Nikita