I have serious complaints for the editors about this month's theme - I don't know if it's from 'research' by my co-workers but there's a shimmer to my desk this morning and it's ruining my mood.
Dear Millie,
Guess what?! I have been turned into a sparkling vampire! It was so strange, one moment I was in the office complaining and procrastinating and then my coworker got me some water and told me to drink some and then BOOM! I'm a sparkly Twilight vampire! I think I am going to go run shirtless in the woods with the bears now! What do you think? What else should I do with my newfound sparkliness?
-Sparkling Twilight Vampire
What even..? Running with bears? You leave those poor things alone and get yourself straight to Pomfrey's for whatever skin condition your tampered water's landed you with. Pfft. Sparkling vampires. Sounds familiar, straight out of that lovey-dovey book, right? Sheesh, Muggles with their wild imaginations. Way too much free time on their hands.
Hey, has the transformation landed you with any other urges besides the shirtlessness? If you get hungry, do me a favour, I have a whole list of people you could take some bites out of.
My Dearest Millie,
So, I guess I need to warn you about something for when you come back to the office next week. It'll be up to you whether you report me to Dragon or not but I really hope you don't. Kitten has already been chewing my ear off about some of us getting a little carried away with the excitement over the holidays. I swear I didn't do anything mean. I promise.
It's just that, well, you know what my temper is like dear and I may or may not have got just a little bit angry over the weekend and decided to fix our office troublemakers once and for all. If it comes down to it and you get caught in the crossfire, you can blame Tabby. It's her fault that stupid, glittery masochistic vampires got stuck in my head!
And before you tell me off again, yes I know I had a choice but if I didn't do something, then dragon would and we all know how that would turn out. I for one do not want a burned bottom again!
Anyways, I'm rambling. Just make sure you take your own water bottle to work next week? Promise? You're much nicer than Rosalie and being a vampire wouldn't suit you at all!
Much Love
Nik xxxx
Grey!! I swear, if you and our other resident fox need an intervention, I'm more than happy to lead it because I find it very difficult to believe either of you is willing to back down. "Once and for all" - you're fooling nobody. I'd love to have words with your Tabby too, confiscate whatever rubbish she's stuffing your mind with. Maybe steal some for myself. Just out of morbid fascination, I promise.
Thanks for the warning, I guess? As if I drink any of the water around here anyway. Whatever our beloved Sparkling Vampire does next - Katie, if you're reading this - keep me and the others out of it! The both of you'll have much worse than burnt bottoms to worry about.
Dear Millie,
I've been seeing a lot of shenanigans happen around the SOUP HQ, and would like to ask you for some advice. You see, a certain sparkling vampire managed to get glitter practically everywhere, and guess who has to clean all of it up? Or well, I guess I don't have to... But who will if I don't? It has to be cleaned, and from previous experiences, I happen to know glitter is such a pain to work with! Do you happen to have any advice?
-Reluctant Cleaner
I can't say you've done a very good job, in fact, your work's downright lousy - I'm scratching sparkles away from my ankles as I'm writing this! My skin's coming off! You want something done right, Millie, you have to do it yourself.
Apparently, you've forgotten how to use magic so let me give you a reminder. A powerful Scourgify would have done the trick with clearing the bulk of the glitter, a nice, smooth Aguamanti would've cleaned out the stuff stuck in the nooks and the crannies, and then a violent Tickling Hex on the perpetrators would've put a satisfactory end to this.
Now, if you're thinking of cleaning with Muggle means (why??), I'd say just burn down the whole place. Or flood it with boiling hot water, that'd work too.
Don't worry, Reluctant Cleaner, I'll get right onto making sure this doesn't happen again. Though honestly, if we didn't have a bunch of enablers in charge, we wouldn't be dealing with this in the first place.
Dear Millicent,
Pansy's throwing a party for all us Snakes and it's my first time attending. I've heard rumours about her insanely strict dress codes - my friend Delilah says she got locked into a closet once for keeping her coat on! For this party, Pansy said "Sparkles, sparkles, sparkles!" and I need to splash some serious glitter in my wardrobe but I don't know where to start. Help!
- Wannabe-Pixie
Parkinson's throwing a party? Since when? Ah, whatever, I don't care, I've got better things to do than doll myself up for the approval of a pug.
Anyway, glittery eyeshadow, sequins, glamorous bangles. There's plenty of accessories and embroidery you can add, and you can always just dunk your outfit for the event into a cauldron of glowing powder. Get crafty.
Oh, but unless you'd like to deal with snarky comments all night, don't wear anything that'll steal her limelight or match her clothes in any way. Pugs are highly territorial creatures. That's all for today. Before I go pay a certain two witches a visit, remember, readers, you can send me your advice requests anytime. (Can't promise I won't laugh at them if they're stupid.) Until next time, my vipers.