Dear Draco
- Draco
Aren't you all in for a surprise this month? Yes, that's right, I - Draco Malfoy - am filling Bulstrode's seat today and depending on how this goes, perhaps Bulstrode'll have to find another for herself altogether. No, no, I kid. Obviously I have better things to occupy my time with usually - my life's just experiencing a lull this month. This is very much a temporary thing, so all of you rabid Bulstrode fans can put down the pitchforks and torches. I suppose that's basically just Goyle, then? Only if he's managed to harass Davis into reading to him again because I don't know how else he can tell what Bulstrode's writing.
Well, let's get started, shall we?
Dear Millie,
I wanted to start a Moon Club so I organised an introductory welcome meeting in the Astronomy Tower the other night. There were snacks, charts, and moon-shaped merchandise. Everything a moon lover could dream of! But nobody came to our first meeting... I think somebody must have gotten rid of all my posters, none of them were where I'd left them - but who could've done such a horrible thing?
- Sad Moonie
If I have to guess, I'd say it's most likely that Filch is behind the premature death of your moon fanclub. He is not too keen on them, and I'm not either, frankly. I've seen things in the late hours of the common room that will never leave the dark surface of these dungeons.
Dear Bulstrode,
Do you believe in aliens? If it came to a battle between them and our own kind, who'd win?
I'm not quite sure, in all honesty. If there are any beings out there, I'm confident they'd be mindless, dumb creatures at the very most. Especially when compared to a people such as ours. Following that, my answer to the second question is - we'd win. It's a no-brainer.
The thought of aliens possessing magical qualities like as we do isn't really one I can dismiss but I'd dare say that even then, we'd be superior and likely to defeat them in battle. Whether we'd relegate them to the status of ingredients in potions or end up creating large prisons such as Azkaban would depend on their level of development and their populations. Though, I suppose we also can't rule out them possessing the ability to shapeshift and camouflage themselves amongst our kind.
Which leads me to my own question - are we certain they've not infiltrated our ranks already? The presence of some students around the castle should make one wonder.
Dear Bulstrode,
My boyfriend's an Aries guy - I of course didn't know this when I was going into the relationship, and though I love him very much, it causes a lot of problems in our relationship. He has a brother in Ravenclaw and they're always fighting and making up. He snarks back to the professors, making it hard for us to spend time together because of all the detentions - he threatened to 'snatch Snape's wig' the other day, and he criticised McGonagall's lesson planning skills. He even went off on Madam Puddifoot's when we went there during the weekend. Got us both kicked out. So embarrassing! Is there a way to change someone's star sign? Like, some spell of some sorts, or a potion, or ANYTHING? If only he were a Pisces like me...
- Unfulfilled Romantics
This is possibly the most ridiculous thing I've ever read. No advice here. You're both idiots.
Dearest Millie,
We have never talked with each other but you may know me as the person who's been delivering those parcels for you through Parkinson. It's funny seeing her get all bent out of shape about being your personal messenger - I thought to myself you'd get a kick out of that when I started it! I'm still not sure why she accepted doing those favours for me but I assume it was to snoop through them. I sure have given her quite a lot of nothing to gossip about, right? I hope you're enjoying the small gifts, I saw you smiling at them the other day!
I'm writing to confess something and hopefully receive advice directly from your own lovely self. See, I've found myself fallen for a wonderful, sweet girl. She's got a strong head on her strong shoulders, she's not a pushover, she's stubborn, and to this date, she's the only one who's managed to win a staredown with Goyle without having their jaw smashed in. (A moment of thought in tribute for Wendy, Walter, and the rest here...)
In case it's not obvious, that girl is you. I intended - weeks ago on asking you to meet me for an evening of stargazing and getting to know each other at the Astronomy Tower but I've realised recently I genuinely don't know what you're interested in. Help a guy out?
- Pining For You
Abrogating the above. This is the most hopeless, disgusting thing I've ever read. You poor, poor fool. I won't be able to eat this evening, are you pleased with yourself? Seriously what do you all see in someone like her? How bizarre.
Dear Millie,
Why doesn't my uncle laugh at my jokes?
I think he's too Sirius!
The letters only really go downhill from here. I suppose that's a wrap for today.
Do continue sending in more trash such as the above, however - Bulstrode'll be back next month. It only takes her four weeks or so to get over being dumped. So, Pining For You, you might as well shoot your shot. She likes pastries, picnics, and fights. Don't blame me for your lack of judgement and good taste if you end up with a chokehold or a black eye.
Farewell, vipers.
