Hi there, it's Katie_slytherin here. It's been a crazy month, and I mean a REALLY crazy month because Professor Trelawney had decided to give me private lessons. Now that I'm a certified divination master, I am here to give you all readings. Let's start with the first zodiac sign and make our way down as I mystify you with my powers. *puts on a large pair of glasses, a decorative scarf, and a bunch of jewelry* All right my children, let's begin as we dive into the wonders of your horoscopes *flails arms and starts screaming like a moron*
Aries:
Let me see, let me see here... Oh my, it looks like you will have a very interesting month, yes, a very interesting month indeed. It's going to start off as normal as a bear smelling the stars but will later turn into a baloney sandwich! So keep your toes on your feet and your arms on your hands because this my dear will be a month to remember. Now according to my senses, you now must go to the bathroom so I will leave it here for your horoscope. Oh, and I almost forgot my dear, your yuletide treat is rice pudding. So go make some or ask the house elves to make you some or have your best friend get some for your or else your neighbor's mother's uncle's boyfriend's enemy's aunt's cousin will be cursed two-fold!
Taurus:
Oh my child dear! You're going to choke on struffoli this yule time season. Luckily it looks like someone may be able to save you. If you are able to bake 30,369 chocolate chip cookies and give them all out before the next day's sunset then you will have a 30% chance of being saved! But wait! That's not all! I see here that you could also choke to death on a Triscuit! My my, it looks like you aren't having much luck this month. I suggest you stay clear from solid foods and live off of smoothies and protein shakes this month or else I fear we will lose you. Now, according to my senses, you are procrastinating something so you should go do that. Remember my dear child, no solid foods and remember 'Beware the Ides of March'!
Gemini:
Oh my, it looks like this month is going to be either very very wonderful or gravely unfortunate! It looks like a nargle infestation is on its way as well! And-YIKES- what is this? Oh dear oh dear oh dear, I'd rather not say... let's skip to your yule treat, shall we? Yes, let's. I see a glass of warm milk and sugar cookies in your future! Okay, get out of my office now! Go! Quick! Hurry now before your treachery spreads to me! I mean, it could be okay, maybe you will get a very, very, wonderful month, but just to be safe *slams door shut*
Cancer:
Alright, let's see what we have here. Oh, well now. You might want to take a sip of water and sit down for a moment. I have good news and bad news. Let's start off with the good news. The good news is that you are going to win a baking competition on December 14th at 1:24pm. Might I suggest that you bake Buñuelos *wink wink*. And now for the bad news. It seems that you are going to be squished by a sleigh falling out of the sky and then you will be trampled by reindeer all while a wolf stares at you hungrily. That's a shame. Oh well. Now according to my senses you should be calling a friend to tell them you appreciate them so I'll leave you to it. It was nice knowing you dear. Goodbye.
Leo:
Hello there fruitcake, you know what you need to do? You, fruitcake, need to bake a fruitcake! Let's see what we have here. It looks like fair fortune is coming your way. Well, nothing spectacular is going to happen, but from what I can sense, everything is going to be okay. Take a deep breath my dear, it's all going to be okay. There are people out there who love and care about you. It's all going to be okay. Just go bake some fruitcake and cuddle up with a blanket.
Virgo:
OOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAA OOOOOWWWWOOOOOOO WAAAAAAYOOOOOO Tonight! It all ends tonight!!!! The very thing you have been fearing shall happen in two hours time! Prepare yourself! Brace yourself! For your darkest secrets shall be unveiled and the sky shall send lightning down to you! Your wifi will be slow! The rodents with infest your house! Earthworms with fall from the sky and into sneak in through your front door! A woman in a dark cloak will knock on your door and you better answer it before she knocks four times! *wails and flails recklessly* oh and I brought you a gingerbread house making kit for you and the children to do together. Someone fun and festive but also a yule time treat. Well, that is all I have to say to you. Best of luck dearie.
Libra:
Oh hello dear, here, it's Snake-Shaped Medenjaci just for you. Now that you have your yule treat, lets look at your horoscope. Ah, it says here that good fortune is coming your way. And... oh wow, this is mighty interesting. It says you will sing in front of a large crowd this month. Well I wonder what that means for you! Well, you better start those vocal warmups because the horoscopes don't lie. You best be off now. Just remember to not ring any strange bells you find sitting on a table in the woods. It is vital that you remember so!
Scorpio: Oh what a lovely feeling I am getting from you! Your horoscope is going to be a positive one, I can just feel it! Now let me see here, oh yes, you are going to find your true friends this month! I for some reason am also seeing linzer, so perhaps you bond over this festive treat? What else am I seeing? Oh, I see some sort of animal! It does not look like it wants to eat you. Perhaps a pet or a friendly squirrel? Your horoscope isn't giving much to go off of but I can assure you that you will have a lovely time. You have a positive month ahead of you. Now, according to my senses, you should go to sleep. Sweet dreams my dear, have a lovely rest.
Sagittarius:
Chestnuts and marshmallows roasting on an open fire. What a lovely yuletide celebration! Enjoy it deary, but please do be careful of the fire because my sources tell me you may catch on fire. That would very much hurt I would think. Perhaps to play it safe, you could have some holiday ice cream instead. Nothing remotely interesting will happen this month. Your horoscope is not being very kind to me at the moment. Hmmm if only I could get something from... Oh good. Here, yes! You will cross paths with your true love's grandparents this month! I do hope for your sake that it is a positive experience. I hope you make a good first impression!
Capricorn:
Hello, hello, please step up, don't be afraid! Let's see here. I see holiday fudge in your future. But it doesn't appear that it is homemade so I think you should buy it from a store or perhaps get a free sample at an event. Oh no, it certainly isn't homemade, your cooking skills are atrocious! Yikes, it seems you may give food poisoning to a friend if you attempt to bake fudge! Be sure to steer clear of the kitchen! Now, according to my senses, you should go drink some water. You do do that my dear, safe safe this month!
Aquarius:
Hellllooooooooo thhhhheeeeerrrreeee! It looks like you're due for a family movie night! It also looks like you are due for family game night as well! It sounds like a fun night is ahead of you! Perhaps you could watch a holiday film and play truth or dare? Or if you want to cause some strife amongst the family a good, old-fashioned game of Monopoly should do it- I so happen to actually love the game (when I'm winning). Whatever you do, it will be a jolly good night to remember for years to come! Perhaps you could start a tradition? Oh! Maybe the game will be a gift exchange game! What else do we have here? Oh yes, your yuletide treat! It looks like popcorn is on the menu! Salt popcorn, sugar popcorn, cheese popcorn, all different sorts of popcorn! It should be a blast! Well, it looks like your horoscope is very nice, you're going to have a fun month. Well that's all for now dear, tata!
Pisces:
Hello there, come in come in and receive your horoscope. Please sit down, make yourself comfortable. Let's see here now. It looks like something new is coming your way. Yes, oh yes, I can see it now! Newness is coming your way my child, it's coming this month! And it also looks like you're due to make melomakarona! And while you’re at it, you deserve to have a taste! So enjoy your yule time treat while you wait for what new things to come your way. Now, according to my senses, you have some HEX contests to work on, so I'll let you go dear.
Until I reemerge from my cave again, this is goodbye from your favorite pureblood Slytherin!
- Katie