Dear Draco,
Help! Let's just say I'm in the Ice Cream business, and I've run out of new and inventive ice cream flavors. I need your help to come up with a few new ones that I could feature in my shop!
-Definitely NOT from Florean Fortescue's Ice Cream Parlour
Dear NOT,
First off, we're going to zoom past your oddly specific name, which isn't at all suspicious. Secondly, why are you writing to me about new ice cream flavors? Do I look like I would know anything about ice cream? Well... actually the more that I think about it, the more I'm realizing that there really isn't much that I don't know about, so perhaps you made the best decision of your life by asking for my help. Fine! I guess I'll help you.
Okay, let's get into this ice cream brainstorming of sorts! For me to best help you, allow me to tell you about my fondest memory involving ice cream at Florean Fortescue's Ice Cream Parlour; which definitely isn't your ice cream Parlour, apparently. When I was around eight, my mother used to take me to Diagon Alley while my father was at his Death... "meetings" as a way to distract me from my very busy father. I remember one particular visit to Florean Fortescue's when I was particularly upset by the fact that my mother wouldn't buy me the latest toy broom at the time. While at the shop, Mr. Fortescue saw my visibly upset face and attempted to cheer me up with a double scoop of Green Apple ice cream, which honestly did help for about two minutes until I remembered the toy broom. Anyways, what I remember most about that visit was how kind Mr. Fortescue was to everyone who was in his shop, even to children who might have been having tantrums and embarrassing their mothers. What does this story have to do with ice cream flavors? Nothing, I guess. I just wanted to tell you about how rude my mother was for not buying me that toy broom.
So now on to the ice cream flavors! I've frequented Florean Fortescue's Ice Cream Parlour in recent years and one thing that I've noticed is that there's a lack of exciting flavors. What is more exciting than ice cream you may be asking? Well, I'll tell you... Fish and Chips flavored ice cream! What more can you ask for in an ice cream? You'll have the fish, the chips, with a river of malt vinegar running throughout. Sounds pretty delicious, if I say so myself. If you're not a fan of that idea, you're clearly uncultured, but I have a few other ideas as well. My next idea is aimed at the less sophisticated palette, unlike myself. What about an Orange Marmalade flavored ice cream? I think an Orange Marmalade ice cream would definitely hit the spot and could maybe become the new trendy ice cream of the world. I could see it now, 'Orange Marmalade Ice Cream' a Florean Fortescue's original... oh wait, you're not from Florean Fortescue though. On the same line of thought, what about a Pumpkin Juice flavored ice cream? The Muggles love pumpkin-flavored things. Maybe you start the pumpkin obsession here, too? If you're not tripping all over yourself rushing to your shop to create this ice cream flavor for yourself, then you're even more lost than I thought. I do have another idea, though that might be what you're looking for. What about a Sunday Roast flavored ice cream? Just imagine it, roasted potatoes sprinkled throughout a gravy-flavored ice cream base with chunks of roasted chicken and Yorkshire pudding throughout the entire thing. Wow! I have to say that I'm extremely proud of that particular idea. Actually, that brings me to my final idea. Maybe you should bring out a whole line of savory-flavored ice creams? Sunday Roast, Fish and Chips, Meat Pie, and Fried Sausage; the options are endless with this one!
Inventing amazing and world-shattering ice cream flavors is exhausting. I'll honestly be shocked if you don't use any of my ideas; in fact, I might be slightly offended. I'll also have you know that I expect financial compensation for my help, especially if you use any of my innovative ideas! I'll be expecting my royalties soon and they better come because if I see any of my ideas in your shop without being paid properly, I'll tell my father! Okay, I'm off now to do better things with my time than whatever this was.
-Draco