Taking a look around our lovely Common Room makes me want to retreat into the bottom of the Great Lake at the sight of so many fashion disasters. (Even calling them disasters is putting it nicely as well.) So, if we want the chance to NOT even come close seeing the “Worst Dressed House” award this year we will look at the bare basics of fashion. I mean, come on people, even being within the reaches of a fifty-foot-pole is too close to this award for any Slytherin worth their respect to be comfortable with.
1) All eyes are on you.
That’s right, the goal of being fashionable is to have every set of eyes turn towards you. It doesn’t matter if they’re neck deep in studying for their N.E.W.T.S, that set of peepers should be glued to watching your every movement while you’re within their vicinity. The best way to achieve this is with spotlights. People, magical or not, are drawn to bright lights. Why else would greasy fast food businesses use bright, neon signs for all of their advertisements? To attract attention. Lucky for us, small spotlight can be attached within one’s hair like a normal hair clip. (I’m going to take this moment to acknowledge that hair clips went out of style in the 60s and if I find anyone wearing this atrocity on the fashion industry I think I might hurl.) Just point those beauties down towards your feet and walk in the glamour of having the spotlights on you, literally.
2) It’s silver, not grey.
How else are we supposed to radiate the light and bring more attention to ourselves if we just wear the dullest colors that our closet has to offer? Mhmm, we can’t. So toss out anything that isn’t even the tiniest bit shiny and only wear colors that you know will pop out and shine like a thousand suns. What was that, what if you don’t have anything like that? Then I would say to invest in some reflective tape. Just slap some of that over your clothes and call it a day until you can actually get yourself to a respectable clothing store and buy something more appropriate. Obviously you need to be careful as to not throw the wrong color on your clothes, the last thing anyone wants is to see the rainbow vomit all over one of our Housemates.
3) Accessories are like vanilla extract, more is better.
I don’t know which genius thought it was a good idea to tell the world that they didn’t need accessories to survive in this world. Well, I can tell you from first hand experience that the more accessories you’re wearing the better. There is never an instance that you would have “too much” or anything similar to that situation. You want to be able to hear the ‘clinking’ of all of those bracelets hitting each other with each tiny movement. You want to feel like your neck is about to break under the weight of all of your necklaces. It’s also a crime to leave your dorm without at least one pair of sunglasses for each location you plan on going to today. Have a full schedule? Seven pairs, one for each class, and maybe another one for the Great Hall if you plan to get a meal. A date to Hogsmeade? Three pairs; one for the train ride, one for the date location, and one for outside. If you find yourself in a new place without a pair then you best hope someone around is either selling or willing to lend.
Now that we’ve gone over the basics of fashion, I hope to not look around at my fellow Slytherins and question how many of them are still being dressed by their parents with the fashion trends that died out centuries ago.
Just remember to stay fashionable out there.
-Z